Louie Vs Brittany
by HeroineCruor
Summary: Enemies, challenging each other in a tense cooking battle. How much more complicated can things go? Thick with humor. If you didn't find it funny, then, well I tried *shrugs*
1. Teaming off

**A/N: This has no pairings, maybe VERY slight Louie/Brittany, and if that would be the case by the end, it's NOT the main focus. The main focus is me fooling around writing random crap to the readers, which I usually do...in other words, it's my usual poor attempts at being funny.**

**This wont have many chapters, maybe just a few. Depends. On things.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for my OCs. I hope I will someday though. No, this fanfic wont have any of that "Cannon/OC" shit. That's silly and dumb IMO.**

**Enjoy! Cow goes moo.**

* * *

The young female Koppaite aka Brittany giggled evilly to herself as she opened the refridgerator door.

"Ohh, this is just too exciting! Stealing their juices while they're asleep, and then sneak back to our own ship. I'm a genius, ohohoo! It serves that fatso right!" She whispered excitedly to herself, but decided to stop in fear she was becoming schizophrenic. To her disappointment, she didn't find much juice, but much vegetables. She hated vegetables with a passion. Oh well...

Though they did have a little juice, and from that, an idea started to form...

'Maybe...' Brittany took the pikpik carrots bound together by a string and put them on the counter. She dug through some drawers and found a knife, or she guessed it was; it was dark in the room and she didn't have the guts to turn on the main light in risk to wake the Hocotatians up. When she found a small light on the kitchen counter, she thought it couldn't hurt to have a little and turned on the light enough for her to see.

After finding a decent cutting board, she started mincing the carrots. They each came out in different sizes due to her bad sight in the dark but it was good enough. Then she poured some juice into a bowl...

**Meanwhile...**

Louie woke up, feeling his tummy churn and whine at him from hunger. The stomach had a mind of it's own and he rather followed it's commands than any other parts of the body. Thus he woke up now.

"Alright, alright, Jackie, I will get you some food." Yes, he had named his tummy Jackie. He was so affectionate to it- SHE that it deserved a name in his eyes. Sweet little lullabelly...

"A sandwich will do me good." He jumped off his bed to set his plan into action. As good as he could manage walking with his plump stomach, he drowsily ascended the stairs.

On account of being drowsy as he was, he failed to acknowledge a light in the kitchen until he got close enough. When he saw that someone stood there, he got shocked, her cooking in full view, which included her starting up a pot with boiling water. He yelled loudly, startling the thief since she hadn't noticed him until now.

"What are you doing?!" Brittany made a cross turn to face Louie, beginning to sweat. Dang it, she was busted!

"Uhhh...uhmm...I...uh..." She stammered, wanting to melt away, go to bed and pretend this never happened.

Louie bolted over to where she stood and took the carrots from her hold. He furiously took a potato peeler out of a drawer and with quick wit, he peeled the carrots.

"You're NOT supposed to mince the carrots and THEN put it in the pot, you stinking amateur! You're supposed to peel them", he peeled the carrots on record time, Brittany looking on with mixed awe and humiliation, "THEN mince them, then put it in the pot! Also, by the juice in bowl, I assume you were going to dip them in it?!" Brittany nodded slowly, puzzled at his uncommon reaction. Each insult delivered to her sent her angry bit by bit.

"Well, you don't! They don't go well together! It would be much smarter to take ladybug eye juice instead, and some Kakanuo spice would go great with that." Louie critisized, knowing it was crucial what he said and his cooking senses kicking in. He refused to let bad cooking be made in HIS rocket (A/N: It was Olimar's), and he would do anything in his power to prevent such a thing to ever happen!

"What makes you think you know better than me in cooking?!" The girl finally blurted out, hands on her hips in an offended manner.

"Well, first off, tootsie pop, is that you're holding the ladle upside down!" He pointed to said tool, in which she looked at and then blushed in embarrassment.

"Oh, come ON! It was dark in here! I couldn't see a thing!" She blurted out, heavily offended that he accused HER of ill cooking! How dared he! Stupid Hocotatians and their stupid manners!

"What's all the commotion?" Olimar came down and rubbed his eyes. He wore a cute pink-beige pajamas with pikmin patterns on it, a pajamas Louie would often make fun of, but as he was too grossed up right now in Brittany's ill cooking which was a bigger issue to him, he didn't care.

"This girl can't cook! She just came in here while we were sleeping and SHE CAN'T FREAKING COOK!" Louie screamed. "She even had the BALLS to mix the carrots with our juice provisions!" At this moment, he was so mad he couldn't even hold it in. Brittany was just as furious at him, but more tranquil.

Olimar shifted his eyes from the first to the other, fearing that Louie had gone insane, sending him a cynical look.

"Really?" He said, "You're not wondering why she's here in the first place?" The Koppaite had an 'Oh crap' look at this.

"...Uhh...Oh yeah, that too." Louie mused and then turned to face her. "What ARE you doing here, exactly?" His priority had took him over so instantly that the most common question hadn't popped up in his mind. Oh well, shmits happens. (To him).

Suddenly, Brittany got angry, entering tsundere-mode.

"Y'know what? I don't have to explain anything to you! You can't call my cooking bug excrements, you have no right!"

"Hey! I didn't call it bug excrements, that stuff tastes good!" Louie retorted.

"It doesn't matter! I'm gonna prove to you that I'm much better than you'll ever be! You'll see! How about a show off?!"

Olimar was facepalming at this whole ordeal.

"FINE! We will cook something on each front, (although I will be up front *cough*) bring it here, and Olimar and your inferior race companions will be judges!"

"DEAL!"

"DEAL!"

"DEAL!"

"DEAL!"

"Uhmmmm...you're supposed to say 'Fine' here?" Olimar pointed out.

"SHUT UP!" THEY BOTH YELLED IN UNISON! Wait, why am I screaming?

Once they finished the bickering (for a millisecond, mind you), Brittany shot towards him and punched him right in the kisser. With her rage played out physically, she stormed out.

Louie sat there on the floor on his behind. Then he clutched his hands into fists and shook them towards the sky, screaming skyward.

"TOOOOOTSIE POOOOOP!"

Title card for the fanfic read _'LOUIE VS. TOOTSIE POP'_

"Louie," said Olimar, "Her name isn't Tootsie Pop. Her name is-"

"TOOTSIE POP. I KNOW. TELL ME SOMETHING I _DON'T _KNOW." The big eater said in a loud tone, okay, it was more idiotic than loud. Or both. You choose.

Olimar sighed, fearing that the world still went on despite this brain's existence.

"I want biscuits! Buy me biscuits! Bake me biscuits! Kill me biscuits!" Louie chanted, laying down on the floor and flailing his limbs dumbly.

"Make them yourself, fatass!" Olimar screamed and walked away, to get further from this idiot, to his bed, to dream land.

Oh, he was already drooling for wanting to marry his bed. Louie sat up and looked over to his partner expressionless,

"Hey, Olimar?"

"WHAAAAAT?" Ollie yawned, stroking a hand down his face.

Louie grinned. "Nice pajamas, does it come from Retardia?"

Olimar's response? A growl and a slam from his bedroom door. The best response to tauntings like that, which youtuber commenters should be doing as well (but they will never).

**The next day**

Louie was sitting by the TV in his XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL boxers while eating buttered popcorn 6:00 AM sharp. What was he doing, you ask? He was preparing for his competition, of course (slow heads)! He scrolled through the TV channels for a decent cooking show that he could digest (almost none, that actually had GOOD food) but then he found one. It was Master Chef Hocotate and it had just begun.

He sat on the edge of the couch to get a better look, a growing, childish curiosity upon him.

_"And welcome to Master Chef Hocotate, where everything cookin' is cookin'! *Crickets chirp* You're so stunned by my humor you don't bother to laugh. Anyway, I'm your dearest host Crystal Clearing, it's semi-final and you know what that means; the first round! The first round will be; desserts! Welcome our contestants! Lindsay!"_

_The audience cheered and whistled when a girl walked up; she had black hair in a ponytail with green round glasses looking like an owl and she seemed uncomfortable being there._

_"So, Lindsay, what you gonna cook for the first round?"_

_"Uhmm...uhhhh...uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh..."_

_"Lindsay?"_

_"Umm...What was the question again?"_

_"What you gonna cook?" Crystal fake smiled too blatantly._

_"Uhhhmmmmmmmm..." She fidgeted her fingers._

_"Okay, this is getting us nowhere. Horace!" Crystal yelled to someone off stage._

_"Right, here, sir- ma'am. Sir ma'am!" Someone resembling a butler said on duty._

_"Translator device. Now. On my wrist. Now. Are you deaf. Put. It. On. My. Wrist." Crystal said sternly, giving him a look of stone._

_"Right away, witch -ma'am!" Horace followed the host's order and put some sort of technological mumbo-jumbo arm wrist. Once finished, Crystal kicked him away, telling herself silently he would get demotion later for no other reason than being a jerkass. Or that Horace was just ugly._

_"What you gonna cook, Lindsay?" The host asked again, grin extended (and more fake than ever)._

_"Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Uh..."_

_"Uhmm, uhmm? Uhmm?"  
_

_"Uhmm."_

_"Alright." The host understood now, "She said she's going to cook Créme Brûlée with strawberries and whipped lemon cream on the side."_

"Booooo, who invited that chick!" Louie made the thumbs down and threw popcorn at the TV screen.

_"No, she didn't! She said she was gonna cook Créme Caramel with raspberries and lime cream on the side! Jeez!" Said a random guy in the audience._

_"Ok, and what makes you think that?" Crystal smiled strenously._

_"Uhmm-nese! You don't speak Uhmm-nese, do you?!"_

_"Uhmm...no."_

_"Ha! You don't speak Uhmm-nese?! Freak! Loser!" The guy mooned her tauntingly._

_...cut to an ambulance and siren sounds. Crystal stared into the camera blankly.  
_

_"...You didn't see that. Anywho, let's welcome our second contestant who calls himself the War Conduct Peddler; Jeremy!" The audience cheered again (their cue in the show script). A guy in his late 50's came out. He was pretty tall, 2 feet in the rough, seeming of Scottish ancestry with his ginger mustache and ginger bald head. Why his name was Jeremy? ...I don't know. Ask the auth- oh, shit.  
_

_"So, Jeremy, whatcha gonna cook for us tonight?" Crystal leaned down to his height, which he wasn't put out by. Useless info: It pissed Crystal off for some reason. Sadistic host tendencies, maybe?_

_"Ah, 'at line reminds me ay mah auld flam Natalie. Sic' an attractife force tae be reckoned wi'." Jeremy said dreamily._

_"Huh?" For once, the host was candid with her puzzlement. He gave her a hard look, annoyed at having to explain such deep soul feelings to a "youngster"._

_"She said th' exact sam 'hin efter makin' loove." He explained further, which only lead to more irresolution upon the female Hocotatian. Neglecting the shorter man, she spoke to the producer standing behind the camera with the cameraman._

_"Ok, why do everyone speak like retards around here? Seriously, as soon as I get the paycheck, I'm freaking out of here!"_

_"Just try!" The producer scream-whispered._

_"Fine." Crystal rubbed her forehead, forworn. "What are you going to cook?"_

_"Eh?"_

_"What are you going to cook?"_

_"Eh?" He picked up a hearing device._

_"What. Are. You. Going. To. Cook?"_

_"A lemme' tell ya, lass. Ah hud mah first cookin' experience as a bairn. Mah will increased ance the' gran Macau Kujaza War in 342012 was ower..."_

_"Veryniceverynice! Now, tell me what you are going to cook!"_

_"Yeh huvnae heard mah life story yit."  
_

_"I will let Horace listen to it later." Far away, Horace was sticking needles on a doll resembling her appearance. "Tell me what you are going to cook? I'm sick of saying the word, and if I do it again I will explode, so please just tell us?"_

_"Jobby, hen! Ah will be makin' sandwiches!" Jeremy finally said._

_"What kind?"_

_"Ye ken, th' usual. Some ham, some turkey, some tomatae, some turkey, some cheese, some turkey, some long-spin lamb intestines oan th' side, some turkey."_

_Crystal was puking in a bag some guy on the camera staff gave her, and once finished, she was not happy at all. "Turkey? You serious? GROSS!"_

_"Gie in th' scullery an' make me a piece."_

_"What?" Crystal stared at him._

_"Feminist activist! Ye disgoost me! Aam it ay haur." Jeremy walked out of the studio without another word. He knocked down a guy in the crowd and stole his money on his way out so he could get the bus home._

_The crickets enjoyed this very much, because they sounded louder than anything else in the room!_

Louie lay on his stomach on the couch writing a fan letter to Jeremy. He would find out the address later; just like he did with every other letter after he sent them!

_"Okay...now for out last contestant!" Crystal disregarded the angry Scotsman and moved on. "Give it in for the college student with the classic cliché school life name; Brad!"_

_Fewer people cheered since they have lost motivation since seeing the show gradually flopping._

_"So, Brad what are you gonna...I can't say the word since I'm gonna explode so...what dessert dish you gonna...clook? Hmm?"_

_"Well, my dear Ms. Clearing, I'll be making some honeydew ice-cream along with Scrapple, a combination of pork scraps, cornmeal and wheat flour, and then some Angel Cake to even out the sweetness!"_

_"Wow, you stun me. You answered in less than a 10 second ratio and it took ten times more for those other losers to answer."_

_"Well, what can I say? I'm a real motor mouth!...and enchanting!" He stroked his cowlick hair earning a squeal from the female audience. The **elder** female audience.  
_

_Crystal decided she liked this person so she attempted to light up the mood a little (her previous pent-up wrath begone)._

_"Then I guess you have worked down in the soup kitchen too, huh?" She joked, but it got Brad staring into nothingness in shock. Flashbacks returned to him..._

**_Flahback 1: "We are threatened by the Soup Kitchen Chefs for eating a spoon to much!" his father yelled in panic._**

**_Flashback 2: "I'm sorry but...your little sister couldn't make it. She is dead. Killed by those damn commie- chefs! Soup kitchen chefs. I'm sorry." Said a doctor to Brad, cue her family sobbing in sorrow, except Brad who fainted._**

**_Flashback 3: A cupcake hand grenade exploding his house, blowing up his family in the process as he was out buying groceries. When coming back, he saw the whole scene, and outside, he saw soup kicthen soldiers holding a flag of a chef in a soup bowl..._**

**_Flashback 4: Brad sponging about in the streets. A soup kitchen chef walking buy and beating him up._**

**_Soup kitchen chefs..._**

**_Soup kitchen chefs..._**

**_FREAKING SOUP KITCHEN CHEFS!_**

_Brad suddenly got an axe from nowhere and proceeded to chase Crystal around, who screamed like a piglet. "Death to SKC! PAY THE DEBT OF NATURE!" He terrorized the studio and all of the people in the audience rAN for their lives, but few managed to escape . Brad charged at Crystal, pinning her down and about ready to strike, holding a choking grip on her throat. Crystal grabbed a nearby chair prop with all her adrenaline and hit him over the head with it, falling out cold the result. Breathing deeply and holding her chest, she calmed down._

_The cameramen left their positions to put a straitjacket on the now unconscious Brad._

_"..." Crystal sat down in grievous trance as she sat down. "...I guess we only have Lindsay, left then. Declare her winner!" She pronounced._

_"Uh Ms. Clearing, Lindsay was scared to death. She's dead." The director said._

_"...I guess there wont be a winner this year then. Good morning viewers, you just wasted 30 useless minutes of your life!" Crystal smiled broadely. The theme music played and shifted into commercials. The last message text on the screen before the commercials read: "THIS IS ALL HORACE'S FAULT."  
_

Aww, man! This is the third year in a row this happened!" Louie whined, sad that he didn't get anything useful out of the show. "Bah, who needs the- oh, shit!" He checked his watch and it was 6:30...his eyes grew to an amazing size...no, how could he forget...? He had to get out of here, now!

Louie dashed for the entrance door of the rocket, wanting to get out for fearing for his life. But since he was a fat, plump fatness fatass he only reached 2 feet until...dun-dun-duun...he saw a cookie on the floor right in front of the door.

"Oh, joy!" Louie yelled in delight and licked his lips. He bent down to pick up the cookie (nearly splitting the seams of his boxers...I know, terrifying, right?), but then something sudden happened...it...it...ran away! Infuriated, Louie chased after the creamy, delicious-looking, sugary, tasty...ok he wasn't really helping himself. His drool formed a water stream and flooded the rocket.

Louie heard Olimar scream, and he got curious. He stopped drooling and saw Ollie hiding behind a door, soaked wet in drool on the floor, trying to catch his breath. Olimar was holding a string. He followed the string's lead, and then the jigsaws fell in place...Olimar was trying to lurk him into the gym room with a booby- erm, cookie trap. Louie got preachy up his own ass at this.

"Aha! You tried to trick me! But I wont fall for it! You'll never make me do your gym training from hell! You will never take me alive! You will never downgrade my face value by compelling me into a submissive position directing into abyss! We gotta learn to respect the way we are, accept people's choices in life and if you're not happy with it, then go shit yourself, because you're worth more than all the platinum in the wo-"

"I will give you a new ladybug recipe after you lose 20 pounds." Olimar convinced, draping himself with a towel.

"Deal."

* * *

**In the Koppaite's Ship**

Alph woke up in a groggy state, stretching in bed and yawning deeply. He put on his clothes (a dark blue sweater and some jeans), made his bed and made his way down to the small kitchen in their fairly small rocket. "Ugghhh..." He was so tired he felt like he could fall asleep again any minute.

He walked upon Charlie just as tired, sitting with a cup of coffee in his hand by the table.

"Uggh..." Alph said.

"Ughh..." Charlie responded.

_Uggh._

Alph joined his role model and poured some of his own coffee in a new cup. Just as he sat down Brittany barged into the room, the most alert worker of the three.

"Guys! Stop moping around like zombies and help me here! I got a real problem!" Funny thing was, Brittany was tired, but her determined personality refrained her from listening to her physical commands.

"For the love of PNF-404, Brittany." Alph gave her a stern look with his baggy eyes, "Did you pick a fight with someone again?"

"Uhhhh...no?"

"Was it a non-Koppaite?"

"..."

"Was it a Hocotatian?"

"..."

"Was it that Louie fellow?"

"..."

"It was, wasn't it?"

"ALRIGHT, SHUT UP! FINE, IT WAS HIM, JUST SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! I NEED YOUR HELP NOW!"

"Ho-"

"SHUT UP!"

"...how do you expect us to help you, then?" Alph asked, glaring at her tiredly, not wanting to deal with this, but he knew all to well about her tendencies to throw them out the window when she wasn't in the mood. Yes, while in space. You read it. She's a murderer.

"...YOU WILL BE MY COOKING JUDGES, SHUT UP!"

"...judges?" Charlie asked, "Are you having a cooking duel or something?"

"INDEED, SHUT UP!" She barked, "AND THE OTHER HOCOTATIAN TOO, SHUT UP!"

"Oh, you mean Captain Olimar?! That super awesome guy!? Okay, I'm totally in!" Alph squealed, stars glimmering in his eyes. For some reason, Charlie felt a little put down by Alph's reaction. "Hmm..." He was so much in thought that when he reached the cup up to his mouth, he swallowed the cup whole. The others didn't notice, and he didn't choke because logic.

"SO LET'S GET OUT AND FIND SOME INGREDIENTS AND SHOW THAT GUY WHAT WE'RE MADE OF, SHUT UP!" Brittany continued.

"Why?" Charlie grinned slyly, "Can't we just squeeze out some hotness from your aggressive temper and use some of _that_?"

"...SHUT UP!" Brittany went up to him, took Alph's coffee and dumped it on his head, breaking the porcelain and Charlie's spirit in the process.

"...This is the only time I support you saying that." Alph said to Brittany with no emotion.

Then the phone ringed. Brittany and Charlie went to prepare their MAGICAL JOURNEY and procceeded to pack for their MAGICAL JOURNEY that consisted of MAGICALLY MAGIC. Ok I will be quiet.

Alph picked up the phone, wondering who was calling at this hour.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me Olimar from Hocotate. Listen-"

"OMG! THE REAL OLIMAR?! THE REAL _REAL **REAL**_ Olimar?! ZOMGOMGOMG! Can you sign your autograph on my thorax later?!"

"...Sure. But anyway, this is important. Or, eh, not really."

"What can I do? I can cross the world if you want?"

"Thanks but no thanks."

"'kay..." Alph sighed.

"I take it Brittany told you, or did she not?"

"Oh, the whole cooking duel thing? Sure...a twisted side of it." Alph shivered at her previous behaviour. It hadn't been that scary but it was no when he thought about it deeper.

"Yeah...anyway, I have a plan to make this ordeal shorter than needed so we can CONTINUE BUILDING COLONIES AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD AS DICTATORS...! Sorry, got a little carried away there. Long story short...-"

_"Ollie, what are you doing on the phone? Oh is there someone on the other line?! HELP ME! HELP! THIS GUY IS A MANIAC, HE'S A TORTURER, HELP CALL THE POL-"_

"Shut up, Louie! How did you survive the electrocution system when stopping the training machine anyhow?!"

_"...my secret."_

_"_Gah, you yutz! Just get back in there! Put on the iPod and start bicycling or I'll beat you til you drop!" Olimar screamed and to Alph's horror, he heard a a chair crush against something soft.

_"OH LORD, PLEASE, I BEG FOR MERCY!_ _SEE, I'M PUTTING ON MY IPOD! 'I WONT BE WAITING FOR THIS LALALALALALALALA LOVE!'"_

Olimar went back to talking to the now traumatized Alph.

"Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, I sent some people to this planet to come fix this mumbo jumbo, and I wanted you to bring Brittany and Charlie for the event, so yeah..." The silence was a little too long.

"Alph...was your name right?"

"Uh-huh, yes!" He tried to sound like a fanboy but he was a little shocked as well. It was a weird combo.

"You heard what I said right?"

"Uh-huh!"

**What Alph had heard**

Olimar: "I want you to be my personal sidekick, but I will be needing to use your heart as fuel in emergencies. Also, you'll have promotion and the highest status below mine, but only if you let me use the guillotine on you and sew back your head after my anger tantrums are over. Ok, I'm proud of ya, son. Anymore questions? No? Alright. Now, keep on counting the kidneys."

**Back to the conversation**

Olimar repeated the whole story and this time he heard it, and hung up after exchanging see-ya's. He called for Brittany and Charlie who were just about done with packing for the exploration day and went outside with him at the meeting area. There Olimar was outside doing something with a magnifying glass, and they could have sworn he had one aimed at a pikmin before he put it away quickly upon noticing their presence. Louie was there too; he was just so worn out and incredibly fatigued that he was not worth noting.

They went up and greeted them. They began to greet their pikmin too which they shouldn't have since it consumed too much time, but they continued not wanting to embarrass themselves.

"Hi there, Becky!"

"Jerry!"

"Mortimer?"

"Jason, new haircut?"

"Ok, you don't have to greet them all, just stop it." Olimar said firmly and the Koppaites stopped. Just at that moment, an icy-blue spaceship landed with perfect accuracy, right next to the Hocotatian's ship (nearly crushing it). The Koppaites exchanged looks of disbelief and amazement as they saw the huge thing made of iron or whatever land before them. Louie was curious too, Olimar hadn't told him who they were.

The rocket door opened and smoked appear out of it in the traditional spacy way and out stepped a female Hocotatian, who had a smaller type of afro with bangs past her ears and ice-blue color, golden earrings, and a light blue spacesuit with a little skirt (like Brittany's), she was relatively pretty, and all males fell in love with her...no you dumbasses, of course they didn't. This is not one of those shitty Cannon/OC fanfics, like I said. Jeez, I'm not that hormonal.

Behind her were three other Hocotatians, and Brittany was breathing through a bag in panic, being a racist and all.

"HOLY CRAP, IT'S THEM!" Louie shouted, his hand on his muzzle in shock. He went up and poked and prodded on their suits. "What does this button do, what does this thing do?" He was knocked away by the leader, earning his umpteenth bruise of the day.

"You ruined our introduction scene, you fool!" She yelled at him. When she noticed everyone's stares, she cleared her throat and reached a hand out to Olimar, who smiled.

"You were calling, captain Olimar. I'm Crystal Clearing."

* * *

**A/N: El gasp! Cliffhanger! Well, not much, but a bit!**

**EDIT: I changed the whip part to make it say 'chair' instead, because I don't want the readers to think I had any dirty implications in the joke.**

**Louie is singing 'La La Love' by Ivi Adamou. For you oblivious Americans and Canadians out there, she participated for Cyprus with that song in Eurovision Song Contest 2012. (My country gave her 12 points...)**

**For those who didn't get why Charlie is flirting with Brittany, he does that in the European translation of the game, instead of boasting as he does in the American translation.**

**If you didn't understand Jeremy's heavy accent, search up a Scottish translator on the web. It exists :)**

**Please, give me reviews and tell me what you think? I really want to know, because I thought it turned out good. Is it just me? If it's just me, then I need to get a life, seriously...hee :D No, I don't, on second thought.**


	2. Let The Hunger um Cooking games begin!

**A/N: I'm back, and no one is probably reading this. But it's fun to write so I do it anyway! :)**

**R&amp;R would be much appreciated!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except for Brad, Jeremy, Lindsay and Crystal. Meaning, I own almost half of the cast in this fanfic but not the actual setting and game. Bummer.**

* * *

"What is the meaning of this?! I refuse to part-take in anything involving silly original characters! I don't give a crap if they're celebrities, they suck anyway!" Louie exclaimed, earning glares from the ones he insulted, especially Crystal who stretched a chain behind her back.

"I can't believe I'm saying this and I will probably kill myself afterwards, but the Hocotatian is right. I'm not working with these people!" Brittany pointed to them furiously and took a spot beside Louie against them.

Louie and Brittany scrunched their faces into glares of steel and the other three Hocotatians mirrored it, an eye dagger war taking place between the two teams. Crystal was about to whip out her chain while eye twitching, but Olimar stepped between the two teams Before it could happen.

"Now, time out! This is not the way to sort out the problem. Let's all be-" Suddenly a chair flew across the air and landed on Louie, who collapsed on the ground. Brittany looked down in surprise, then looked up again as she formed a cone around her mouth.

"CHAIR FIGHT~!" And the war started. Brittany ran to the shuttle beside their ship. She pressed the button to the shuttle entrance open and a load of plywood chairs were stacked in there. Inside, there was also a chair cannon. She ran behind it, loaded it with powder and put in as many chairs as possible. Then the first one shot out; zooming through the air.

Olimar flailed his arms around, screaming things that were incomprehensible due to loud noises of cannons going off. Apparently, Crystal also had chair cannons and kept reloading them to shoot towards Brittany. Olimar took cover behind one nearby rock and so did the rest of the guys. When they acknowledged each other's presence behind it, Olimar decided to be formal.

"Uhmm...hi." He reached his hand out, "Name's Olimar; Captain Olimar of Hocotate." One of them took his hand and shook it; the one greeting was pretty tall and didn't seem older than in his early twenties.

"We're Hocotatians too. People call me Brad, nice to meet you." He smiled genuinely and added, "We're fellow cooking chefs who will help you with your problem."

"I figured as much." Olimar told him. Then he noticed a much shorter man beside him and reached his hand out to him too.

"Hi." The greeted didn't respond for a while and only stared at his hand reached out to him.

"In mah days, we used tae spit in th' hain tae shaw manners!"

"...hu?" Olimar shot him a confused stare.

"...His name is Jeremy, the War Conduct Peddler. He's a skilled cook although mixes...weird things and a veteran of rifle guns, but talks like a drunk parrot." Brad said for him, and rolled his eyes.

"Ah will hae ye ken 'at we appreciated some homemade scran by hoose wi'es back in time!" Jeremy continued speaking to himself.

"You got me." Olimar snarked. He was about to reach out his hand to the girl beside him, but she kept fiddling her hands and look down, so he went for a softer approach by talking in the smoothest way he could.

"You seem like a nice young lady. What's your name?"

"Uhhmmm..." She kept looking down, blushing even more.

Once again, Brad was the spokesman.

"Her name is Lindsay. She is also a great cook, but she's a germophobic and doesn't talk much." He paused and continued, "Though she has been going on a therapy so she speaks a little more than in our last show."

Olimar looked to her again.

"..." She still refused to look up.

"...proof?" Olimar asked, looking up at Brad again who shrugged casually.

"Okay, she's still pretty silent." Brad sighed, shooting a glare her way which she didn't notice because, you know, she looked down?

Olimar nodded, then thought of something that hit him like bricks.

"My word, I forgot to introduce the others! Here's-" He looked behind himself but no one was there; apparently they hadn't followed the others to hide behind the rock.

"Where the heck did Alph and Charlie go?" Olimar questioned himself, scratching his head.

* * *

The guys in question were sitting in the battle field on a picnic rug between Brittany and Crystal who kept firing at each other, having sandwiches and playing cards. Chairs were flying to and fro but they didn't notice anything. Alph wasn't exactly sitting on the picnic rug; he was actually using unconscious Louie as a cushion.

"You got any fives?" Alph asked, looking at Charlie slyly.

"Ha! Owned! Go fish!" Charlie claimed despite having three fives in hand, "Have any sixes?"

"No, I know you have fives! You're cheating!"

"Pray tell, what kind of form of cheating is not having any fives?" Charlie asked smugly.

"Well, to begin with, we're only two people playing." Alph stated matter-of-factly.

"...Dammit, you got me!"

* * *

"Eh whatever", Olimar muttered, and the others stared at him.

They sat there a quarter straight in hope the fight would end soon, but alas, it was a hopeless case. They were bored; Olimar read a book, Brad counted the moles on his arms, Jeremy picked his nose and Lindsay looked down.

Then suddenly, they heard Brittany and Crystal scream at each other.

"You bitch!"

"You ain't getting nothing from this fight!"

The gang grew curious and sneaked out of their hiding place, and saw Charlie and Alph staring at the fighters with wide eyes, awed. The gang looked the same direction as them and froze.

Crystal and Brittany were wrestling on the ground, then Brittany stood up as she squeezed her opponent, trying to throw her away, but Crystal held on to tightly and attempted the arm pull move (y'know, pulling the opponent's arm and sinking their foot into their stomach), but Brittany's abdomen was all muscly and stuff so Crystal only pulled her further backwards, closing her eyes in befuddled labor.

The others stared on.

"We should totally stop this." Charlie said.

"Yeah, absolutely." Olimar agreed.

"Well, what's stopping you?" Alph wondered, eyebrow raised as he looked at the hypnotized captains.

"Charismatic!" Jeremy erupted.

Still they did nothing, as Brittany proceeded to grab Crystal's helmet (she wanted to pull her hair but it was an impossible cause at the moment), and attempted to smash it downwards towards the ground. Crystal countered by hugging her tightly to smash her into a nearby rock, squeezing her the hardest she could.

"...Well, someone should." Olimar said absently while still looking at Crystal pushing Brittany into the rock's surface.

"Not it." Charlie claimed.

"...guys are such...!" Lindsay mumbled in a frustrated tone.

"Woohoo! Thes is jist loch Woodstock!" Jeremy cheered on, and Brad elbowed him so he doubled over.

"Oh for the love of...!" Alph got sick of them and went over to the female warriors. He grabbed Brittany and shoved Crystal away with a free foot.

"Now, girls, I'm sure we can solve this in a more civilized way!"

Brittany and Crystal stared at Alph. Then their gaze flickered back to each other, and to Alph again, without the slightest hint of emotion.

Then they both pulled broken chairs from the ground and proceeded to beat him to a pulp; the attacked screaming and yelling at them to stop.

Charlie came to the rescue; running up to the pair of girls and shoved them away from the now beat up Alph who had wounds and bruises all over, unconsciously twitching his fingers.

"Hey, don't fight Alph, fight each other!" Charlie pleaded.

"...what." Brad said flatly.

The ones who were lovers, not fighters, convinced the fighters that the Hocotatians' mere purpose was to clear up Louie's and Brittany's problem; and help them declare a winner. Brittany and Crystal were forced to shake hands; the latter ok with it, the former…not so much.

"I'm so sorry about this mess," Crystal apologized, "I should've been more sympathetic. It's not easy taking and needing help from people who are more superior than you."

"Are you calling us inferior?" Brittany growled.

"No, just a tad less…modern."

"But that makes no sense." Olimar said. "If we are more superior, that automatically means they are inferior. Superior and inferior are opposites."

"LOGIC BOMB!" Said Brad and high-fived Olimar.

Louie woke up from the commotion, rubbing his eyes, "What's all the yelling about?" Then he looked around and saw Crystal and Brittany awkwardly staring at one another, Charlie staring at their staring, Alph cynically criticizing the ordeal by writing on a notepad with therapist glasses. I'm not mentioning Olimar, Brad and Lindsay because they did absolutely nothing.

"What happened? Why is the tension so weird? Did I miss anything?" Louie asked.

"Don't worry, you didn't miss anything." Olimar was quickly to say.

"Yeah, you totally missed nothing." Charlie added.

"…then why do I have this nagging feeling I missed something?"

"You missed eating your lunch box, that's all. That's absolutely all." Olimar lied.

"Oh, yeah! Thanks Olimar!" Louie held his hands out to him with a drooling tongue.

"…that doesn't mean I have it with me."

"Bitch!"

"Okay, shut up everyone and listen!" Crystal said, calling to everyone's attention. Suddenly everyone sat with school desks and Crystal pointing to a black board.

"Here's what we thought on our way to this planet. We will split us into two different groups. One with the guys; Louie, Brad and Jeremy," She pointed at a circle on the board with said guys loosely drawn on it, and a sentence above reading 'Louie's team.' "The second with the girls; me, Lindsay and…Brittany." She pointed at another circle where she had drawn herself and Lindsay pushing away Brittany and with a sentence above reading; 'CRYSTAL'S TEAM! :PP'

"Each group will be focusing on each hero to achieve their goals in their competition, in this case Louie and…Brittany. They will be assigned their own areas to explore for ingredients which is required for a feast. The time limit is three days. The hero is allowed for any possible assistance they want from the team mates and…" Louie raises his hand. "Yes, Louie?"

"I need to go pee!" He said, hands on his crotch.

"Can you hold it for a little bit longer? I'm almost finished."

"Mmm…okay. I think I can do it."

"Good. Now as I said-"

"NO, I CAN'T DO IT! I NEED TO PEE OR I WILL ASPLODE!" He screamed.

"Arghh! Okay, you don't have to scream!" Crystal yelled, "Fine, go pee. But make it quick."

"Nah, I think I'm okay."

Everyone stared at him in silence. Crystal continued.

"…alright, now back on topic-"

"AHH, SHIT! I'M GONNA LEAK ANY MINUTE NOW!"

"Ok, that's it! Do you need to pee or not?!" Crystal screamed at Louie.

"Not anymore." He said with a relaxed smile on his face. Everyone stared at him in disgust and began to slowly move their desks away from him.

"…as I was saying…the team mates will assist and inform the hero but the hero him or herself has to retrieve it themselves, no matter how dangerous. Therefore…"

Olimar felt a hit in the back of his head, and soon realized a note ball has been thrown at him. He picked up the note, opened and read it; "Guess who likes you."

He turned around to look where Lindsay sat, who fidgeted.

"Uhmm, sorry miss, but I'm a married man."

"What are you talking about? I didn't write that note." Lindsay said.

"Then who did?"

Back in the room, Alph was sitting with a manga-like sweat drop by the side of his face _"Wait, he took it THAT way? SHIT!"_

"And that's the set-up for this competition. The planet is Twilight River, the one we're on now (obviously), and Olimar will be doing the countdown along with Charlie and Alph. We stand back-to-back, and when the start goes off, we run opposite directions. Got that?" Crystal declared. The person who needed to know this the most, Louie, was picking his nose.

"I lost it after 'and'."

"Well, fine, whatever. At least you guys got it, right?" Crystal asked, motioning to Brad and Jeremy. They glanced different ways and scratched their heads.

"Uhmm, yeah, hahah!" They laughed nervously. Actually, they have been staring on a ladybug on the ground because it was way more interesting than Crystal's boring voice. Aaaand…now the ladybug had crept out of sight, so they looked up at their partner.

"Okay! Let's get into position." They all did as Crystal had described. Louie and Brittany were in the middle of respective teams and now and then glanced back at each other in a hostile manner.

"Good luck, Tootsie Pop."

"Stop calling me Tootsie Pop!"

"You got it, pumpkin pie."

"Grr!"

Olimar got nervy at this and interrupted before they had the chance to escalate their fighting. "Okay, everyone into positions!" Everyone got ready to run, eager to start. Louie gave Brittany a blank look. She looked back with a grouchy look on her face.

"Ready…"

Louie kept on staring. Brittany raised an eyebrow.

"Set…"

"You're actually quite pretty, Tootsie Pop." Brittany blushed. "Wha-"

"GO!"

And with that, Team Louie leapt off, the lead captain laughing like heck, almost hurting his stomach. Due to Brittany's loss of focus, Team CRYSTAL didn't get the start they had wished for. Brittany now was red like a tomato of feeling humiliated, covering her face with her hands.

"Haha! You should've seen the look on your face!" He screamed back to her as they kept running.

Crystal and Lindsay each took her by the arms and tried to run with her, but she was resistant.

"Come now, Brit! You can feel embarrassed later! Now we have to find some ingredients!" Crystal encouraged, tugging her arm.

"I swear, I'm gonna murder him when this is over!" Brittany almost cried of shame, but eventually complied and ran along with them.

"…It's alright, Britty. Stuff like that happens." Lindsay said quietly.

"No, It's NOT OKAY! You know what's less okay?! Giving me stupid nicknames!"

"Okay, drama queen, how about we get some shelter and find some water, so you can calm down a bit. Me and Lindsay go look for some food to eat while you rest. Agreed?" Crystal said, patting her reassuringly. Brittany scowled at her.

"Just because you Hocotatians are nice to me it doesn't mean I will like you more."

"Yeah, okay. Just do what we say, okay?"

"NO, I refuse to take orders from the likes of you! I'm the lead here, so YOU do what I say!" She suddenly wore a general outfit and a long stick that generals have, and pointed assertively in a direction. "Now, let's go get those ingredients, girls!"

Crystal and Lindsay sweat dropped at this.

* * *

Back at the base, Olimar, Alph and Charlie were standing at the start line, restless.

"Soo…what now?" Alph asked, scratching his head as both teams got out of their eye visions.

"Blackjack?" Charlie suggested.

"Are you dumb?" Alph scoffed. "We have played that game to death. Let's do something else!"

"Okay. How about Blackjack?" Olimar resuggested boredly.

"OMG, best idea ever! How come you aren't the President yet? If you weren't married, I would-"

"Pardon?" Olimar gave Alph a weird stare. Alph stared back, confused.

"What? I was gonna say that I would take you on a bachelor party and then personally remarry you with your wife! What did you think I was going to suggest?"

"Uhmm. Never mind." Olimar said, suddenly wary that behind that innocent face lies an insane lunatic, so he backed off a little.

Charlie broke the tension.

"Blackjack, then?"

"Are you deaf! We already concluded that the idea was dumb, jeez!" Alph yelled at him.

* * *

Louie was still laughing, getting teared up. Brad sighed.

"Come on, it wasn't THAT funny."

"Yes, it was! Ohohohoooo! Monty Python material!"

"Sae, what's th' plan?" Jeremy asked, unloading his rifles but letting them hang by his waist with a belt. "Wait, I got it..Let's see." Brad took out a long…long…long? List out of his pocket and proceeded to read it through. "Uhmm, there, no, oh yeah, there!" He pointed to some text that no one could see because he didn't show.

"I was thinking that we could find some ingredients for a Bulborb casserole!"

"…Is that it?" Louie said, crossing his arms and tilting his head.

"No….no wait, yes, that's it!"

"Alright, piece of cake!" Louie exclaimed cracking his knuckles.

"Of course! That's if for the main dish. The rest requires for the other ten desserts!"

"MOTHERFUUUUUU…"

* * *

What the teams didn't know, was that small, intelligent little creatures were watching them thoroughly with prying eyes, distinct on what those creatures are. The creatures were red like the roses of the fields and slightly orange like the flames of oversized lit candles. Those creatures specifically were known as red pikmin, the masters of observing. Evolution of the mind had been kind to them so they had learnt to survive on their own and knowing the common sources of nutrition. They were speaking now, squeaking sounding equivalent to a bird's singing voice. Only the most observant of the observant people could possibly figure out their language of communication.

"What do you think we should do with blue leader?"

"…kill him!"

"Yeah, off with its head!"

"Beans, beans, beans, beans be-"

"Maddie, shut up!"

"Bite me! Beans."

"Okay, what should we do with pink leader then?"

"…kill her!"

"Yeah, off with its head!"

"My feminine side has a rash."

"Gee, thanks for that info, Gulbert."

"Yeah, off with its head!"

The very man, the very namer of this intelligent, unique species, was actually not beyond badass as you would think. He is just a normal researcher, out to do his job and find peace with these creatures. But that didn't mean he wasn't wise. Everyday he ate eggs, had coffee and just plain enjoyed life, but he just knew there was more depth to universe than what was laying open to them like a book. He could see beyond what others could, like clairvoyance. There is something so unique about him that…

"Oh no!" Olimar realized he couldn't win Blackjack, and started to shake. Charlie noticed and smirked.

"Sooo….your turn, Ollie."

"Uhmm…uh…" Suddenly he transformed into Rambolimar, took out pistols and shot Charlie and Alph to death, even after they had died. "GAME OVER, SUCKERS!"

…hmmm? Oh, this didn't actually happen. It was a dream sequence. Don't think I was using a ratings trap or anything.

Back to Team LOUIE. They had just set up a tent and fetched some water, and Louie was more or less a little nervous about having to kill the bulborbs….but also a little thrilled. The mere thought of chasing a bulborb made him innerly squeal with excitement. But then he reminded himself he needed pikmin for it, so he wouldn't be the one doing the killing. Aww, bummer.

Louie poked the fire they made with a stick as Jeremy came back with a rich capture of a bunch of fish, most of them were bulborb mackerels, though. He threw the fish on the ground and took a seat on the other side of the fire.

Louie kept on poking, a lingering question in his mind. "Umm, why can't we use that fish in the Bulborb casserole?"

"Coz we need mair dignified ingredients fur 'at. Loch sheep baawz!"

"I really don't want to know what you meant with that last line…"

Just then Brad came out to them from the tent. "Hello, gentlemen. I've just reorganized the list and I thought that…OH MY GOSH! Are those Bulborb mackerels? YUM!" Louie watched on in disgust as Brad took a fish whole, without cooking it, not even salting it, and took a huge bite out of it. Louie looked away, covering his mouth so not to puke.

"We need *munch* 5 red bulborbs, *munch* 2 bulbmin, 1 hairy *munch* bulborb and 1 honeywisp *munch* for the main dish *swallow*." Louie contained a groan at that last word. "Right now, we are in the more forest terrained area of the planet, so it's 89% more accurate to find red bulborbs here." Louie sighed in relief at that.

"However, since the pikmin have evolved their competency of survival, the Bulborbs have gotten more shy and deviant in the last decade. So don't get your hopes up that we will find-" Just then, a red bulborb emerged onto the scene, socked them away in different directions and took all of their fish provisions.

Then it turned to Louie, who stared at it in fear, his heart beating fast.

"Nyeh, what's up, doc?" It said before running away.

It all happened so fast that they didn't even scream. They were just knocked down on the ground, rubbing their foreheads and oiled with fish fat; what was now left of the recently eaten fish.

"Some shyness." Brad muttered.

"Damn it, aw mah efforts doon th' cundie!" Jeremy kicked one of their sleeping bags in anger. But Louie was the one who had been the hungriest, so naturally, he was the one who was mad the most. He just hadn't taken anything earlier because he had been currently disturbed by Brad's table manners.

Louie was suddenly determined like never before, a completely, uncharacteristically serious tone all over his face and all the signs on him that reeked "Tranquil fury." He turned to Jeremy, a dark, otherworldly pitch in his voice.

"Jeremy, do you have one of your rifles with you?"

"A-ay coorse!" Not even Jeremy dared defy Louie's anger at this point, so he threw his weapons to him, which Louie with perfect accuracy caught.

Louie loaded it "Shakalaka" and went in the direction of the red bulborb. Jeremy and Brad looked at each other curiously and followed after.

They watched warily around each other as they walked through the night that had just left the noonday sun. No animals were heard except for night creatures and the wind quietly whispered through the leaves of the less than visual large trees.

Suddenly they heard rustling. Louie looked that direction with his rifle pointed, but no one was there. He raised an eyebrow but deciding it was nothing, he continued to sneak forward with his companions following suit.

Then they finally encountered a wide area in the middle of the seemingly endless forest and peeked out through the leaves of the bushes. Louie squinted his eyes to see better in the distinct moonlight, and found a creature moving gently. He couldn't see the dots that the red bulborb should have but he was still pretty sure it was one, due to its close size.

"Lad-" Jeremy started but Louie shushed him.

"Shh, be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting Wed Bulborbs."

"Dude, wrong show." Brad scolded.

"Sorry. But seriously, quiet. I need perfect concentration."

The forest was unbearably quiet, so when Louie finally pulled the trigger it startled the heck out of Brad and Jeremy. It didn't hit the bulborb the first time he shot a gang of bullets (since Louie wasn't experienced with weapons), and it tried to run to safety, so he quickly shot again. The creature caved in and lay on its stomach there on the ground, still twitching by the small amount of life that was still left in him.

Both Brad and Jeremy stared in shock.

"H-how did you?" Brad knew that not even Jeremy was that talented with rifles in the beginning.

"NOBODY, and I repeat, NOBODY takes my food."

It took a few moments of silence again until they cheered in happiness. "Louie you're awesome!" Brad dug up his list. "We only have four red bulborbs, 2 bulbmin, 1 hairy bulborb and a honeywisp plus ten desserts to go and we're almost on the second day!" Jeremy and Louie stared at him. "What?" He asked.

"…how in the name of the Plasmwraith is that a good thing? We have a third of our mission wasted!"

"Yeah, ah agree. We dornt hae much time."

"Oh come on! Don't be down in the dumps!" He chewed on his pencil, "Or yeah, you should be. But we can't give up now! I bet we will find a way to defeat the others!"

"Yeah, sure. And I'm the President of Planet Dork."

Just then a shadow was over them, and they realized it was too big to be a tree and it wasn't that dark before. They all had 'oh crap' looks on their faces and Louie dropped his rifle without moving his hands. They stared upwards with shrunk pupils to the creature breathing behind them.

"What did you do to my son, doc?"

They all gulped and muttered. "Shit."

* * *

**A/N: Catfight scenes and Looney Tunes references. What is wrong with me?**

**Aaaaaand...CLIFFHANGER NO JUTSU!**

**Anyway, I hoped you found it funny. Stay tuned for the chapter specially made for Brittany's team! (Since Louie's team had too much screentime in this one...)**

**Have a nice weekend, readers! :)**


	3. Odd Plants & Grimer Reaper Ripoffs

Brittany was poking a stick at the campfire when she heard something. "Did you hear that?" The Koppaite perked an ear.

"You mean over your racist remarks? Yeah, I think I heard something." Crystal agreed, ignoring the possibly oppressed stare sent her direction. "It sounded like a shot..."

"And 'What's up, Doc'" Lindsay said.

"And 'What did you do to our son, Doc? And then 'Shit' and then silence for two years." Crystal continued.

"No, I think I heard 'When is this fanfic going to get updated?' in the distance." Brittany added.

"I think they said 'When is this fu-', we're getting off topic! So, Lindsay", Crystal turned to her friend, "I'll put you in charge of the spice plans, because it's more your area. I, as the leader," Crystal gloated and gestured to herself, Brittany horribly hiding a scowl, "have decided the main dish; smoked, ranging bl-OYSTERS, bathed in sheargrub intestines and mixed with Bulbmin eye juice, all blend in a bulborb cranium. You got it?"

Brittany and Lindsay stared at her in horror.

"Huh", she said, noticing their reaction, "I guess the bloyster was a bit out of line. No one would be able to kill that monster."

They had set up a camp by a riverside, littered with elephant ear-sized purple leaves just by the edge leading down to the water. The party felt a bit strange, as in butterfly-stomach strange around them, which is why they took particular notice of those leaves, but they shook it off. After reaching the end, a proper spot for camping, they put up a campfire. Crystal went inside their tent to make an organisation list for Brittany's hunt. Brittany, nothing to do, simply carved a piece of wood with a knife she had brought. However, soon she noticed that, after each go with the knife, Lindsay was leaning down before her. Brittany had never gone to that base at once, so she was a bit disturbed. But Lindsay just kept on bowing...and bowing...and bowing. In the end, Brittany put down her knife and asked.

"Lindsay, what are you doing? If you're bowing before me, I know I'm great, but I'm not used to people worshipping my feet. It's weird."

Lindsay looked up at her as if she was crazy, however her look softened quickly.

"...I was just picking up the wood chips..."

"What's that? You've got potato chips?"

"I was picking up wood chips." Lindsay said more loudly.

"You got chip dip?"

"WOOD CHIPS." She raised her voice.

"Excuse me, but I'm doing the best I can with my figure." Brittany guessed again, running her hands along her hips to check her slim figure.

"WOOD CHIPS! WOOD CHIPS! I WAS PICKING UP THE DAMNED _**WOOD CHIPS!" **_Lindsay shouted, jumping up in the air to yell straight in Brittany's face. Brittany flinched, falling off the piece of wood she was using as a chair. After recovering, she gave her share of the experience.

"What is **wrong **with you?!" Lindsay's tense breathing seemed to slow down, as did her expression by turning softer. In the end, she was blushing madly, finding the ground having interesting contours.

"I'm sorry, Brittany. I-I don't know what came over me...I am sensitive about messes, but I don't usually lash out like this. It's...odd?" That last question was to herself.

Brittany grumbled, annoyed she couldn't come up with a sarcastic comeback.

"Yeah, figures. Anyway, you gonna keep cleaning up, or...?"

"No, I won't do that. I'll try not to do that." Lindsay assured, making a "calm down" gesture. "Really, Brit, I do feel horrible. You want some pie I baked this morning? I was going to save it for our coffee break, but..." The raven-haired lady said as she picked up plates and a pie from the basket she had brought with them.

"It doesn't have any disturbing ingredients, does it? I'll have enough of that for this competition." Brittany took the plate given to her.

"..no, what do you take me for? It's a regular blueberry pie."

"No weird secret ingredients?"

"What? No! Just a few strawberries into the mix. We're Hocotatians, not barbarians."

"...Okay fine. I'll have some. Gimme." With that said, she got a quarter slice.

Just then, Crystal exited the tent while nibbling on her pencil thoughtfully. She took a spot beside Lindsay who sliced a piece for her as well, however, as she didn't look up when Lindsay held the plate out to her, she just placed it in front of her to notice later.

"Guys", piped Crystal, "I think we have a problem."

Brittany's stomach churned at this. "Wh-what?"

"I didn't search on the web for bloysters on our ship, because we don't have wi-fi there. But to my surprise, wi-fi is accessible out here. I wonder why that is?"

**Somewhere else**

A few miles away, a pikmin, let's name him Tucker, was making a wi-fi router in his scientific lab. He looked like a stereotypical mad scientist with hair poking in every direction, a lab coat and blah.

"At last, my internet router station is complete! I can now do some online dating. Muhahahaha!" He laughed evilly.

"Shut up, Tucker! You're too ugly for anyone to like you!" Shouted a pikmin in the distance.

"Yeah, off with his head!" Yelled another.

"Don't listen to them, they're just jealous because they're not as smart as me." He made his profile and he instantly got a response.

"Hominah bark bark howl! I got a response from a hubba hubba hot girl! Let's see what she says."

_"Your not mch 2 luk at but i dunt think bout stuf liek that. I'm also bi. Do u kno if rose is a flour, that has been buggin me for a whil. I'm bi. Lol my frind like luvs 2 hang around but u seem moar interestin cuz u weird. Lol, now i c your pic again, deja vu muc? I''m bi."_

Tucker sat in silence. "I spent 45 years, 9 months, 3 weeks, 28 days, 23 hours, 58 minutes and 36- I mean 37-38secondsforthis?" He slowly began to laugh maniacally and then shot himself with a gun. A pikmin wielding an axe came burst through the door.

"Yeah, off with his head!" He yelled, but stopped roaring when he saw the corpse. "Aww man, if you were going to kill yourself, why with a boring gun?"

"Gun this!" Said Tucker's ghost and shot the pikmin point blank. Then they both sat up, alive, showing their fake wounds and laughed along with the filming team while a catchy sitcom tune played in the background.

**Back to Brittany and co.**

"The thing is, I did some web search, and apparently bloysters are more common in the area where Louie's team is searching. There are bloysters in our area, but they're much less prominent." Said Crystal.

"Why's that?" Asked Lindsay, taking a bite of her pie.

"We're in a drought climate. They prefer not to settle down here." Crystal sighed.

"Brilliant." Brittany muttered mockingly, "You were the one presenting our whole assignment and crap and yet you didn't think this through."

"I'm sorry," Crystal quietly said. Brittany's ears twitched in unbelief and turned to stare at her, thinking she was being sarcastic. But lo and behold, her expression looked genuine, looking down embarrassedly at her pie piece.

_Is the second PNF-404 apocalypse nigh?_

But oh, the shock conga was only beginning for poor Brit...

"You should have thought of that, you bitch! Now they have a head start and we're stuck here eating slices of shit!" Lindsay yelled, slamming her fork down on her plate angrily, making the other two jerk in surprise.

"...You baked it." Crystal reminded.

"SHUT UP! YOU SUCK!"

Brittany looked to and fro between the two, eyes so large they were extending beyond the size of her glasses. _What the diddlysquat was going on? Is this some weird Hocotatian complex? Moodswings? Anger?_

_..._

_My kind of people!_

_Err...I mean..._

_Weirdos!_

As Lindsay was screaming at Crystal, Brittany took notice of the purplish leaves they saw earlier. Why now? Well, they were _twitching. _As if some invisible force was tugging at it. Brittany, who was a botanist, could distingush by the movements that the leaves where emitting a smell, kind of like pheromones attracting a mate. Pheromones can affect living creatures in other ways as well, like making them sad, angry etc.

However, even if Brittany doubted that the leaves could affect Hocotatians and especially not super good and awesome Koppaites, she wanted to test it a little.

"Guys", Brittany told the others, "Follow me."

Without awaiting an answer, she took hold of one arm on either side of them and pulled them away from their camping sites, causing outcries from them, although wildly different.

"TAKE ALL MAH MONEY, GANGSTA! JUST SPARE MAH LIFE! COUCH!" Crystal shouted while crying.

"Oh, can it, big baby. She's harmless. HEY, CIRCUS PERFORMER? MIND DOING SOME TRICKS, ASSHOLE?" Lindsay angrily shouted.

_This is worse than I thought._

"I'M SORRY, MAFIA DUDETTE, I HAVE NO READY CASH, I SPENT IT ALL ON RUBBER DUCKIES. TEEHEE, DUCK. That's a funny word. 'Specially since it sounds similar to another funny word. Heh, word. That's a funny word. Just hear it: word." Crystal said.

"Which word do you mean, stupid gorilla? Dick or word or f-"

"Alright, that's it!" Brittany yelled and threw them harshly away from the leaves. "Stop it with your mind screw nonsense! This is serious! We've got to get a move on! Crystal, get kicking on doing that darn list already! And Lindsay, stop looking like that! Like the way you do. Like always!"

"...What are you talking about, Brit?" Lindsay asked, speaking in the quiet tone she usually did.

"Yeah, Brit-_TANE-_y, -that's hilarious since I hate you and mispronounced your name to piss you off- what is it? Period came early?" Crystal spoke in a mocking tone.

Brittany took a while to melt this information. They seemed normal now, with Crystal being a bitch and Lindsay a quiet bitch. That's probably 'cause they're standing a few feet away from the leaves and are not affected by its odor.

_But why doesn't it affect me?_

"Long story short", Brittany chose to ignore the insults directed at her, for now, "those leaves over there, y'know?" Brittany enlightened with a pointing finger at the leaves, "you guys have some weird reaction to it. I don't know why, though."

Lindsay and Crystal quietly contemplated with crossed arms.

"...Weird? How?" Lindsay asked.

"Huh? You mean you don't remember?" Brittany blinked.

"Remember what?" Crystal asked, perplexed. "What is there to remember?

Brittany shook it off, not really feeling like having that conversation.

"Never mind. Let's just teleport this find back to S.S Drake and have Alph take a look at it. We don't have time for it now." She said and was about to go over to the leaves, until she remembered something and turned to face her companions. "Oh yeah. If you can just stay there while I get it, so you won't be affected by its odor."

"Aaww! You care about us! I shall consider the idea of being 1% gentler towards you." Crystal gushed genuinely.

"Oh, just shut up. I don't care about you stupid Hocotatians. I just don't want to have your breath in my face when you spout your weird babbling." Brittany spoke more to Crystal than Lindsay, since she hated her more.

"Oh, don't worry, we endure it all the time from you." Crystal grinned.

Brittany chose again to ignore her snark and just get to business. She was a bit insecure to touch it first when she held out her hand to it. Was it poisonous? Did it affect her as well? She decided to take her chances and grabbed it by it's root.

She shouldn't have taken that chance.

"Oh, my, what a lovely day we have today!" Brittany chirped and giggled, eyes shining with joy, "it's wonderful! Yeah, our recipe ideas for the competition is kind of flunking and have a risk of losing against Louie, but still, we're alive! Oh, funny I should mention him, speaking of funny, I feel funny in my belly just thinking about that awesome guy!" Brittany blushed and giggled in a very girly manner. Crystal and Lindsay had huge question marks on their faces, still standing on the spot Brittany ordered them to stay on earlier.

"Umm, Britty, are you alright?" Lindsay asked.

"Why, Lindsay cutie, I feel just dandy! You know, I love it when you call me Britty, it's like we're best friends! Keep calling me that!" Brittany spoke with excitement, still holding the plant and was ready to rush up and give said person a big hug.

"Alright...Britty?" Crystal semi-questioned.

"Oh, stop it you! I'm going bright red...and sorta pink! My hair is pink!" Brittany squealed, and went in the direction to hug Crystal instead. Crystal noticed with panic that Brittany was still holding the plant as she remembered what she had said earlier. It might as well have been a huge red flag in her hand. Crystal backed and waved a hand frantically to steer Brittany off.

"No, please! Don't come this way! Go away!"

But it was too late. The odor was within range of the Hocotatians. Crystal's expression drastically switched from horror to excitement.

"Brittany, I love you, dudette!" Crystal wiped a tear. "I want to be your BFF, and I humbly apologize for all the mean things I said to you!"

"Ohh, Crystal...!" Brittany cried back and flung herself into Crystal's arms as they bawled loudly. "I love you too! BWAAH! All the things I said about hating Hocotatians, I didn't mean them!"

"Hush, Brittany! I know. We can say things we don't mean to others sometimes. I just...you're...you're so AMAZING and stuff! I looooveee yooouuu!" Crystal blew her nose on Brittany's shoulder, however, she didn't mind.

"I LOVE YOU MOOORE!"

"NO, NOBODY CAN LOVE YOU MORE THAN I DO, NOT EVEN YOURSELF! SOB!"

Right behind them, Lindsay was watching the scene with spiteful eyes and a malicious scorn on her face. Also, she was glaring at the plant Brittany was still holding.

"Pathetic. Emotions are pathetic. So pathetic you are." She said crossing her arms. "You're the epitome of patheticness."

**Back on S.S. Drake**

Olimar, Alph and Charlie had grown bored of playing blackjack and was now playing Cluedo. Olimar was Ms. Scarlet (just don't tell his wife!), Alph was Colonel Mustard and Charlie was Mr. Green...not that any of this info I just said really mattered.

"I know it's Ms. Scarlet who's the killer, but I accuse Mr. Green of the murder, with the candlestick in the living room!" Alph yelled.

"...What? That's like choosing a kiwi when you starve for an apple." Charlie said.

"Shut up, Charlie!" Alph growled.

"Why do you choose Mr. Green when you know that I'm the killer?" Olimar asked.

Alph put a hand on his chin, leaned on the table and stared at him lovingly. Olimar uncomfortably shuffled his cards.

"When you ask a stupid question..." He muttered, shifting his eyes.

Charlie stared on in sadness at the undivided attention Olimar was recieving from Alph. Olimar decoded his expression clearly and gave him an apologetic grin.

"Say, Mr. Olimar...?" Alph asked with a childlike innocence. "Would you like to listen to some music? I can sing to you."

"Please, lord. Don't tell me you're gonna serenade me with 'Stand by Me'." Olimar begged.

A mini-Alph inside Alph's head shouted "Abort" and ripped the idea documents apart. Followed by Alph kicking away a mic from under the table with a secretive look on his face. "No, actually, I was talking about song albums. I've got a few. Some _Beastie Boys_ and _Marvin Gaye_ albums."

"You don't have anything else?" Olimar asked, not liking either artists that much.

"I've got some _blink-182_ and _Gorillaz,_ but it's all the live shows, and they kinda suck."

Although Olimar never admitted it to his family, he really liked singing Marvin Gaye songs on karaoke. But his family wasn't here, so he thought it was okay to choose the latter.

"Marv-"

"Beastie Boys it is then!" Alph was already popping in a CD into a stereo and "Intergalactic" began blasting from the speakers. He began digging along and singing very loudly and badly. Like, very badly. _I _was better. He was that bad.

"To step to me I'm a rapophiiillleee...~" Alph took a pen and pretended it was a mic. Olimar subtly walked over to Charlie.

"You want _his_ undivided attention?" Olimar whispered to Charlie with a raised eyebrow and pointed at the younger Koppaite.

Charlie watched as Alph drank a bottle of water and spurt it out of his nose while still singing.

"Right now, no." Charlie admitted.

"When I wrote *cough* graffiti *cough* my name was Slooooop!~" Alph kept singing.

When they suddenly heard the door knock harshly, signalling someone was outside, Olimar and Charlie both rushed to get it, because it would mean a small moment of peace and away from Alph's singing. However, they got stuck as they both tried to force themselves through the door to the hall at the same time, which triggered their bickering.

"I called dibs on answering it first! I'm opening it! I'm not being tortured by Alph another minute!" Olimar argued.

"You called dibs what? You never called dibs!" Charlie shot back.

"That's because nature did it _for_ me. See my pointy ears? I hear the ring better, therefore first. _I_ should answer it!"

"Do I give a crap about nature's rules? Let me think...no! Now, get outta my way before Alph notices we're gone!" Charlie shouted. The reason Alph didn't notice was because he was in his own little dance world, and had put on hip hop clothes while doing the MC Hammer to a completely different song than what it was for.

"Move your big fat ass!"

"Move _yours!_"

"Dammit, you guys! Stop fighting and just open the doggone door! Damn it. _Shut up!..._Damn it." Someone yelled from the outside. They immediately stopped, regained composure and easily released themselves from their tight fit in the door frame. Dusting themselves off, they made their way to the door and opened it.

"Dammit, about time you opened the damn door! Dammit!" Yelled the guy. He was unidentifiable due to wearing a shadow-casting hood over his face, but they could distinguish him to be one of their own alien species at best, unless there existed another species they didn't know of yet. He was also holding a scythe, so he sort of looked like Death. For some reason.

"Who the heck are you?" Asked Charlie. It was confusing that other intelligent beings were on this planet. Hey, it was hard work only being three smart people of you here...Charlie, Charlie and Charlie. Also, Charlie.

"Damn you! I'm the (for now) unidentifiable Big Bad of this fanfic, dammit, and I'm here to kidnap y-" Suddenly he stopped talking, listening in to the music, which was now "Sabotage" by the same artist, coming from the rocket. "Is that..._Beastie Boys_?"

"Yeah, so?" Olimar questioned confusedly. He thought they kinda sucked.

"'So'?! That's all you say to that?! They're the freaking _kings _of rap! I have their names signed in tattoos all over my body! Wanna see them?"

"Ugh, no thanks," said Charlie in disgust.

"Anyway, you said something about kidnapping us?" Olimar inquired curiously.

"...what? Oh yeah! I'm gonna kidnap you!...but since you have such good taste in music, I'm gonna spare you for now. On one condition that I join your party for a while to listen more to your angelic music." Hood Guy claimed.

"Umm, hold on a sec," Olimar and Charlie huddled up, like they do in films, "What should we do?" Olimar asked.

"Either we let this complete stranger who looks like Death accompany us for a while, or we listen more to Alph's rapping." Said Charlie.

They were silent for a moment until Olimar spoke.

"This stranger will join us." He said with no single doubt.

"Sooo much." Charlie agreed.

They turned to the stranger again, optimism blazing from them.

"So, you like Cluedo?" Charlie asked.

"Cluedo? Yeah. I like playing as Mrs. Chainsaw and run around decapitating everyone in blue on the premises with the kill card parrot pig." Hood Guy said gleefully. Which disturbed the other two.

"We meant Cluedo the board game, not...whatever you just said." Olimar corrected, weirded out.

"Oh, _that._ Sorry, I meant that. I just based what I said on an inside joke me and my friends had while playing it."

"I don't want to know," said Charlie, fading out.

Shot from far away, little pikmin watched as they invited Hood Guy into the rocket and closed the door.

"Is that the signal?" Said Lloyd. They all have individual names, by the way.

"No, moron! Didn't you listen to anything he said?"' Yelled Barkley.

"Define 'listen'. Do you mean listen as in agreeing to do what he tells you or listen as in hearing but not listening in that first sense of the word?" Asked Lloyd.

"Oh, shut up! I'm not in the mood for this, you two! I still got that headache from listening to master's DragonForce albums." Inquired Oswald.

"Relax, friends! We all pull boners once in a while!" Said Joy optimistically.

"Not me. I'm celibate."

"Gulbert, for the last time...!" Roared Lort.

"Hmm...Lort, why won't you just let him...spill the...spill the...BEANS? Beans beans beans beans..."

"Dear God. Maddie has started again."

"Cowabunga!"

Inside the rocket, Alph danced his butt off, using a mop as a wig and a pencil as a mic. He sure had moves, and when I say that, I don't mean they're good, he just had them. Anyway, upon noticing his friends and Hood Guy entering, he fell in one fell swoop on the...fell?...floor in surprise. Fell. Yeah, fell. I love saying that.

"Oh my goodness?! Who have you let in? Some crazy cosplayer?" Alph accused, picking himself up.

"Hey, that'rs rude! My name is H-, wait, that's a spoiler. Err...just call me Inkbird until it's revealed." Hood Guy proclaimed.

"Hey, what a cool name. Can't you keep that?" Alph asked with a glimmer of adoration in his eyes.

"No! My name is H-! Oh for the love of...this is gonna be hard."

"You don't know 'hard' until you've dealt with Alph." Charlie muttered.

"Or until you haven't seen your wife in a month." Olimar interposed monotonously.

* * *

_A/N: What will happen in the next episode? Will I ask a lot of questions here which you wonder but you actually don't? Stay tuned for the 4th chapter of Louie Vs. Brittany!_

Iapologizedeeplyforthedelay.


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